Just The Way You Are

Bruno Mars' "Just The Way You Are" was playing on the van radio a few days ago, and as I really like the song, I turned it up. Jefferson, in the back of the van, asked, "What's this song?" So I told him, at which point he said, "I want it on my list." (The list is the ever-expanding catalog of songs Jefferson thinks he's going to get his dad to burn to CD for him...) I chuckled and said "It's a great song! I love it, but it is all about this guy's feelings for a GIRL." I thought Jeff would immediately reject the song, seeing as girls are not on his radar right now - but instead he said, "I know, he's talking about 'her lips, her lips.'" I then noted that many women would love to feel like their boyfriends felt exactly the same as the song said about them.

Jeff thought for a second and said to me, "Dad feels that way about you!" I said, "Do you think so? I hope so." To which Jefferson replied, "Yes, he does. He just doesn't show it." This cracked me up. Although Jeff did amend it to say, "He kind of smiles when you come into the room."

For a kid who apparently has Asperger's, I found that remarkably astute. Not to mention a sweet thing to say.

Silence

I've been silent here lately, for the most part.

Why? Two main reasons.

1. I've been trying to decide if blogging is a good idea. *I* love to write and somehow, narcissistically, crave an audience. But I'm wondering if it's fair to my family when I blog about them - even if they don't read it. My husband knows I have a blog (at least I think he does - I've mentioned it before), but I don't think he reads it. If he did, would he be upset over my discussions of our son? I don't know. So I'm pondering.

2. I've been failing. Food and healthwise, at least. I don't mean failing in that my actual health has deteriorated - although frankly it probably has, given my food intake for the last few weeks. I know this is NOT a diet blog, but yet I am silent because I had been doing so well and now have checked back into La La Binge Land. I'm embarrassed. I do keep saying I'm going to get back on track after Christmas - and I will. I have to. But these binges, the depth of this addiction - well, it's all-consuming, even as I consume all. It's frustrating. It's exhilarating. It's shaming. It's abandon. It's rebellion. It's sadness. It's ppllhhblblltt at you, even as it's f*cking me, too.

So I'm challenged - by WHY I need an audience, and whether or not it's good to pursue that, and by my fall into Food Frenzy again.

Enjoy the silence.

Wisdom

I'm used to writing long blog posts. If I can't say it BIG, why say it at all?

But the truth is today, sometimes I just wish I knew what the next right thing to do was.

And that's it.

The Unfairness Of It All

Ellie: "Jeff, I got a milkshake at pweschool today!"
Jeff, angrily: "What? No fair!"
Jeff, in a demanding, angry voice: "What do I get to make up for it?"

This is a common scene in my house. And I don't know how to deal with it anymore. My son seems utterly convinced that a) his sister gets way more of everything than he does, and that b) whenever she gets anything that he deems special, he ought to get something right then to make up for it. For example, one day she told him we'd eaten at McDonald's for lunch (which, sadly, we had). He immediately was angry and demanded to go there right then for him.

How do I deal with this? How do YOU deal with this? In the above milkshake example, after he had exclaimed it wasn't fair, I said, "Jeff, do you think I had anything to do with the milkshakes served in preschool?" To which he answered, "YES! You bought it for her! She always gets everything!" Talk about wanting to bang your head on the steering wheel. Ellie even explained to him it was because one of her preschool friends, Audrey, had had a birthday. But that means nothing to my son.

And yes, of course, I would prefer Ellie not run tell her brother everything she gets, because that's a form of bragging, which is also wrong. And I'm going to work on it with her. But I tell you, this angry, greedy, selfish, ENTITLED attitude my son has shown lately makes me alternately want to rip him a new one, rip out my hair, or curl up into a ball and cry over how terrible a parent I must be to have a son who reacts in such a way.

I did none of those extreme reactions today. Instead I chose to talk to him when we got home from school and Ellie was off doing Room Time. I explained when he was 4, he and I did all sorts of things together every day - even more than Ellie and I do, really, because he and I would travel to other towns and do fun stuff there, etc., which Ellie and I can't do because we're bound to his school schedule. I explained he and I would also eat lunch out. I explained that that doesn't happen as much for him now because he's in school and Ellie is not. It seems to fall on deaf ears. I even acknowledged he probably doesn't remember or care what happened when he was 4 - but I do. And that next year when Ellie is in school with him, she won't be running around with mom occasionally eating lunch out - she'll be in school, like he is.

I pointed out all the stuff he has. Even though "stuff" should NOT be the focus and frankly both my kids have far more STUFF than they need. But I pointed it out nonetheless, saying "Look at all the computer games you have. Look at the Wii games. Look at the Legos. Who did I get those for?" But Jeff tried to play that off, announcing they were for the family. Seriously? Seriously, kid? I said, "You think I bought Wii Harry Potter and Wii Star Wars for the family?" He said, "Well, dad likes to play them sometimes."

You see, it's an argument I can't win. And that's what's frustrating. Because I shouldn't even want to win it. But I want him to see that a) mom and dad do a darn good job of keeping things relatively equal, and b) his attitude is his choice. He can choose to focus on all that he has (material and not) and be grateful and thankful for it. Or he can choose to focus on all that he doesn't have and complain and grumble about so-and-so has this and so-and-so got to do that and he didn't. Which one will make him happier? Which one will make others want to be around him?

He can actually answer both of those questions appropriately. Meaning he knows the grumbling won't make him or anyone else happier. But that doesn't seem to matter, because literally 30 seconds later he was back to complaining about Ellie having 2 Christmas presents and having toys in the living room. "See? It's all Ellie, Ellie, Ellie..."

So I'm asking you, what would you do? I told him I'm at the point of being so frustrated and hurt by his attitude that I want to start taking things away. But I'm not sure it would work - it would just be another reason for him to be convinced life isn't fair and he's got the short end of the stick. Or maybe it would. I don't know.

What I do know is, I'm tired of it. I don't even feel like giving him any gifts for Christmas, so bad has his complaining and anger been about all he perceives his sister is getting. Yes, he's seen 2 presents for her. I even explained, "Do you think we would bring out presents for you right in front of you? Then you would see what they were and not be surprised by them as presents!" But that doesn't compute in his brain, apparently.

And it makes me sad, because my guess is behind all this is fear. Fear he's not going to get presents. Fear Ellie really does get more. And I'm guessing (projecting?) that maybe there's some fear that we love her more than we love him - even if he can't articulate that or doesn't even know he feels that. Because I know sometimes it MUST feel like that, considering how much we struggle with him and his anger.

There's no doubt about it, he is the more difficult child. Ellie certainly has her moments (although I'm not sure Jeff pays attention to that), times when she's throwing a fit or melting down or being bratty. But in general her temperament is sunnier, she's more easy going, and just happier by nature than Jeff is. She doesn't have the anger issues he does.

It makes me sad. Because I know I love him just as much as I love her. The love is different - for him it's fierce, for her it's easier. But sometimes, if I'm honest, I don't like him as much. He's much harder to deal with. And I think he can sense that.

What do you do when your kids act like this? And please, God, tell me some of them do!

Ellie Tells It Like It Is...

"I'm strong, mighty, tough, AND I can climb up hills!"

(Ellie's response to my concern about her carrying a large picnic basket down the stairs. You go, girl!)

An Impossible Choice

What if you had the choice to be either fat and happy, or thin and witchy? Which would you choose?

I'm starting to wonder if these are my options. Yes, I'm sure there are shades of grey in there, but hear me out: my brain seems to have issues with its neurotransmitters. Namely, I don't think my serotonin/dopamine/beta-endorphin connections work properly. I say this from years of struggling with low-level anxiety (with some high-level flare ups), occasional depression, and pretty much daily irritability. I don't think my brain works properly.

It's possible my brain doesn't work properly because of the foods I choose to eat. I admit that. But I think it's more likely that the foods I choose to eat are impacted heavily by what my brain is screaming for, as there are certainly times in my life in which I've been avoiding lots of processed foods and still struggled with these feelings.

In the past I've gone on SSRI's for help - both times after my kids were born and I sank rapidly (hook, line, and sinker) into terrible, terrible post-partum anxiety and depression. Which is again a good reminder to me a lot of this battle is chemical, and nothing emotional reasoning seems to be able to change.

When I go on SSRI's, they do help with the irritability, and they definitely help when the anxiety gets out of control. They also have side effects. If I'm on a higher dose, I seem to be happier in some ways, but much less interested in my husband (sorry, honey). And, I've learned, I feel compelled to eat. Carbs. Chocolate. And lots of it.

The unintentional experiment which made me catch on to this happened in the last two years - I was still struggling with some irritability and asked to go up on the SSRI. Next thing I knew, I was eating all the time. I felt DRIVEN to eat. I gained 15+ pounds. When I realized this, I told the doctor I wanted to go back down. The compulsion lessened. I'm still a compulsive eater, I would still binge, but it was nothing like it had been when I was on the higher SSRI dose (plus, l got interested in my husband again! *waggly eyebrows*). So I stuck with the lower dose, even though my moods and my foods weren't perfect. The higher dose wasn't worth it to me.

Well, a few months ago I decided I wanted to see if I could get off the SSRI. Yes, I know, it seems silly - if it's working to ease the worst of the crappy moods, why change? I don't know. I wanted to see what I would feel like without chemical aid. AND we had decided to give our son 5HTP (a supposedly natural serotonin maker) to see if it helped HIS moods. I thought I'd try it on me, too - first, so that I could know if it did anything really wonky, and second, because the idea of having my body make MORE serotonin, rather than just keeping it from reabsorbing what little was there (a la the SSRI), seemed to make sense. So I've been taking 5HTP for about a month and a half.

I've been a bitch. No doubt about it. Yes, being sick for so long impacted that. But when your basic underlying feeling is witchiness, um, it doesn't feel good. So I decided about a week ago to up my 5HTP intake from 100 mg to 200 mg - I figured it was still half the dose I'd read might be appropriate (it's been hard to find dosage charts, but the one I did find recommends 2mg per pound of body weight, so at 200 mg I'm still well below what this chart recommends).

Have I felt better? Yes, actually, I have. Again, perhaps it's from coming out of the sickness. Perhaps it's even from trying to change my parenting style from Total Bitch to Gentle Counselor. Or maybe I could make that parenting switch *because* the 5HTP is making more feel-good serotonin? I don't know.

What I DO know is for the past week ALL I've wanted to do is EAT. EAT EAT EAT. And I have. I've been struggling with bingeing about every day. On bready sweet carbs. Today I even broke down and bought a chocolate bar - my binge food of choice. Yes, it was just one. But once I ate it, I went on to eat 2 croissants and some Doritos. Hello, Binge Monster. I hate you.

Battling the guilt in my head as I realized I'd just inhaled an entire day's calories in the space of about 10 minutes, I once again wondered what the heck was going on? I've been doing so well on SparkPeople, limiting calories and foods, dropping about 10 pounds. I wasn't even craving chocolate on Halloween and didn't eat any! But this week? Watch out!

And it finally occurred to me that the one change I had made was the 5HTP. I've doubled it. I've been nicer, but voraciously hungry for carbs. And I know some people say, "Well, just don't eat them! Don't keep them in the house! Eat veggies instead!" All great ideas, but it's like saying "Don't think about monkeys!" and trying to keep the image of a monkey out of your head, or turning on the faucet and telling someone not to think about peeing. It's not impossible, but it's darn hard.

I'm not saying it's 100% the 5HTP. Bingeing is a complex issue, compulsive overeating is complex struggle that tends to build on itself. However, it's going to be kind of easy to find out: I'm going to cut the 5HTP back in half and see what happens. *If* this insatiable drive to eat eases up, I'll know.

And then comes the choice: do I stay on a higher dose of 5HTP or Zoloft if it eases the Almighty Bitch, but drives me to eat? Because a side effect of all that eating is, um, more of me. And there's PLENTY of me as there is. Or do I decide to stay on a lower dose and want to bite people's heads off, but at least that's better than biting into chocolate? Is it true, as my husband jokes, that it really IS better to look good than to feel good? Because that's what it feels like it's coming down to right now: Medicate and gain the weight, or go au naturel and tell everyone to go to hell.

I'm sure in some ways it's not as Black and White as that. And perhaps forewarned is forearmed and I'll be able to summon the strength to resist the food now that I know (or have guessed) what's triggering the desire for it. But oh my GOD, I'm tired of this constant battle. It's exhausting. It's depressing. I may win a skirmish here or there, but overall I'm losing the war. And it's an impossible battle. I don't want to be this overweight. I CERTAINLY don't want to gain MORE weight. But I'm also really tired of feeling like such a grouchy, cranky, witchy, not-fun-to-be-around person/wife/parent. *I* don't even like me lately; I can't imagine what my family thinks.

So what would you choose? Fat and Sassy, or Bitchy but Thin(ner)?

Mother, Can You Spare A Dime?

An excerpt from my afternoon.

The scene: driving home from Walmart. We are two minutes from home. I am entering the left turn lane to turn into our neighborhood.

Ellie: "Mom, I'm sorry I put dat coin in my moufh."
Mom: "What?!? You put the coin you found in the parking lot into your mouth? Did you take it out? Take it out!"
Ellie: "I can't! It's stuck!"
Mom: "What do you mean, it's stuck? Did you swallow it?"
Ellie, beginning to whimper: "No, it's stuck! I can't get it"

I look into the rearview mirror and see the dime stuck perpendicularly in my daughter's bottom teeth.

Mom: "You put it in there and bit on it, didn't you?"
Ellie, crying: "Yeth! Get it out!!!"
Mom: "I can't, honey, I'm driving the car. Don't swallow it!"
Ellie, wailing: "I wan it out!"
Mom: "We're almost home, I can help you then - right now I'm driving the car!"

Ellie, crying. Then calmer: "Oh, I got it out."
Mom, reaching back: "Hand me the coin."
Ellie, whining: "I don want to!"
Mom: "Give - Me - The - Coin."
Ellie: "But I wan it!!!"
Mom: "When you stick coins in your mouth, you are not old enough to have coins in your possession."
Ellie, throwing a tantrum: "It's not fair!"

And how was  YOUR afternoon?