The Challenge of Change

I like to tease my husband because he freely admits that he hates change. A lot. And I've always blithely thought I was pretty good with change, thank you very much. Although I'm starting to admit that the truth is, I'm not. I'm not sure why I have found this surprising, or why I don't like it. Is it inherently bad not to like change? It feels like it is, like it's yet another character defect to battle.

See, I need to change. I need to change, permanently, my eating habits and my exercise habits, both for the sake of my health and for the sake of my kids. I talk about changing a lot. I plan on changing a lot. I VOW to change a lot. And then I just... don't. And I have to admit much of that is because at least 75% of the time, I like loafing around and eating large amounts of not-so-good for you food. No, probably 100% of the time I like it - I just don't like the results it brings. But when the majority of me not only feels comfortable but actually prefers a food-laden sedentary lifestyle, the motivation to change just isn't there. Or it's there for 5 minutes, or a few hours, or even a few days. And then I get hungry. Or maybe just cravy. And it's all out the window.  I'll think I *want* to regain the fitness level I had a few years ago (not that I was thin or superfit - I wasn't. But I was in far better shape and worked out a lot more and a lot HARDER than I am now); then I'll realize I'm tired or my knees hurt or whatever other reason I come up with not to go to the gym, or not to work as hard when I'm there. Sometimes I kind of think I want to drop some pounds for aesthetic reasons, then I kind of shrug and say, "Well, I've been this fat for this long, it's not only unlikely I'll lose lots of weight and get thin, but even if I did, now that I'm older, everything will just sag that much more."

These are the mind battles I fight every day. Because see, today I woke up resolute - I was going to eat well, get those fruits and veggies in, go to the gym... and this is what happened: I considered making a fruit smoothie with protein powder, which sounded good, but ended up mixing oatmeal with water b/c it was faster and I needed to get Ellie out the door. So I missed out on the fruits I could have had and ate something I didn't really want. After dropping Ellie off at her class, I nearly talked myself out of going to the gym. Seriously. However, I actually went - yay me! Once there I was discouraged to realize how tired I was and how I couldn't walk nearly as fast as I had two years ago. Plus after 10 minutes I was tired. I plugged along for 25 minutes, but really, it felt kind of pathetic. However, I did it, and said to myself I'm starting small, this is O.K. Once back in the car, I realized I was very hungry. I went to Costco (didn't buy any junk), and by the time I was done there, I was VERY hungry, but had to go pick up Ellie soon. Not enough time to go home. So I went to Sheetz and got 2 egg/cheese biscuits, telling myself at least it wasn't from a drive-thru, and it wasn't sweets (Not only am I the Queen of Denial, but apparently I am also the Queen of Rationalization). Then I picked up Ellie and she was hungry for lunch and wanted McDonald's. I vetoed that, but we did go to the bagel place and I had a turkey/cheese/lettuce bagel, not long after the two sandwiches. Even though I really wasn't hungry.

So now I'm overfull, unhappy that I went to Sheetz because it's too close to fast food (although in the moment I certainly didn't care!), wishing I had more energy and had walked more, and bemoaning again that I feel so tired all the time and have a bad headache. Both of which are probably related to my sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy food habits. Guess we're back to square one. But I guarantee you, in an hour or a day or a week, I won't care and will just want to sit on the couch and eat chocolate. Dang, change is hard. And I don't like it.