And I Ran... I Ran So Far Away...

O.K., not really. It was more like a slow jog, and it certainly wasn't far - maybe a third of a lap at a time, sometimes half. One whole one at the end, just to prove I could. And I did. I ran.

For most people, this is probably no big deal, especially such a short distance at a time. For me, it's huge. I'm not a runner. I've never been remotely interested in running. What I mostly remember about running in childhood is being embarrassed that I was always the slowest one in the 600m gym class race (which I usually ended up mostly walking). So embarrassed that I've HATED running ever since.

My husband's a runner and has been so for years. He claims he doesn't like it, but I just don't buy that someone can really dislike it that much and still do it for 3+ hours a week, every week. I enjoy watching HIM run (*insert eyebrow waggle here*), but have always figured it was not for me. After all, I'm a Big Girl. Big girls don't run. Do they?

Lately I've been mulling over trying to run, just a little bit, but when I'm thinner, of course. Maybe when I'm under 200 pounds. I certainly can't do it now. Right? But this morning at the gym, I don't know what happened - I walking along just fine, at the beginning of my 3 mile walk, and suddenly felt like running. It took me 3 more laps to get over my self-consciousness; the track at my gym goes around all the fitness equipment and the aerobics room, so people can and often do glance at those of us using it. I didn't want people watching me run. I didn't want them noticing my butt bouncing up and down, or the weight on my back moving in rhythm to my music. I didn't want anyone making fun of me for only jogging a little bit at a time, or for jogging so slowly.

O.K., in reality I know no one is really interested in me enough there to do any of those things. They're all concentrating on their own bodies. And hopefully if they saw me running, they might momentarily think, "Hey, good for her, she's trying to run!" But boy, was it hard to break through the nerves. Britney helped me, though. Who, you ask? Britney Spears, of course. "Toxic" came on my mp3 player - one of my favorites from her, but one whose beat is too fast for me to walk to. So I ran!

And for several more laps, I alternated running when I felt like it and fast walking. I have to tell you, I felt so awesome! I don't know if the beta-endorphins were from the jogging or the joy of having overcome my own self-consciousness, and I don't care! Because I felt wonderful! Powerful! Capable!

I started fantasizing about running an actual mile. Then I started daydreaming about a half-marathon. Then I laughed at myself and realized the goal for now is one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

We'll see how my knees feel tomorrow. But right now, *I* feel great.