Mr. Cullen, Meet Mr. Darcy

O.K., so I couldn't sleep one night fairly recently and for some reason spent the hours casting the Twilight characters into Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice. Here is what I thought might happen:

Mr. Darcy …......................................... Edward Cullen
Elizabeth Bennet ….............................. Bella Swan

Mr. Wickham ….................................... Jacob Black

Mr. Bingley …...................................... Emmet Cullen

Miss Bingley …..................................... Victoria

Jane Bennet …...................................... Rosalie Cullen

Lydia Bennet …..................................... Jessica Stanley

Kitty Bennet …...................................... Bree
Mary Bennet …...................................... Leah Clearwater
Mr. Bennet …........................................ Charlie Swan
Mrs. Bennet …...................................... Renee Swan
Colonel Fitzwilliam …........................... Carlisle Cullen
Georgiana Darcy .................................. Alice Cullen
Mr. Collins …........................................ Mike Newton
Charlotte Lucas …................................. Angela
Ms Catherine de Bourgh …......................Aro
Miss de Bourgh …................................. Jane

Addiction

When I think or talk about addiction, I generally am referring to my struggles with food. I have, however, admitted here before that addiction can also emcompass my relationship with Facebook. Recently I deleted all the games off my main account. A step in the right direction, huh? Except about a week before that, I had reopened a fake account to play games, and now have just shifted all my game playing to that account. So while it make look as if I'm on Facebook less, the truth is it's gotten worse as I've gotten hooked on FrontierVille, Treasure Isle, and Treasure Madness. Most of the time I tell myself not to worry about it - as vices go, this one is fairly minor. Which in some ways is true, but in others not. I don't even want to admit to myself how much time these games suck out of my day. And while I'm not claiming I'd be off running a marathon or solving the issue of world peace in the time I'm giving to the computer, the truth is I'd probably be doing something more edifying (such as reading), or which would at least bring a visible sense of accomplishment (beyond having finished the island, or harvested peanuts).

So I'm torn. I got on here to let anyone reading this blog know that I'm still alive and still have the intention to get back to more frequent posting. Problem is, I have intentions to do an awful lot of things, and most of them never come to fruition.

Stay tuned for the next exciting blog post, in which we discover whether Anne has attacked this Facebook issue, or whether the issue is still attacking her. Meanwhile, can someone come feed my horses?

Jefferson's Photography

Jefferson has been enjoying his photography class this week, and has had the extraordinary privilege of being taught by Rebekah Girvan. She has published some of his photos on her blog here:

rebekah girvan photography: Jeff (age 9)

My favorites of his include:

Insecurity

I'm not used to conflict. I don't like it. I don't think I deal with it particularly well, although I've gotten better. And I'm usually one who wants to resolve things right away - fix them, so it doesn't feel icky any more.

Well, I'm in the middle of a brouhaha, and not sure what it will take to get out of it. I'm not sure how to get out of it, how I want to get out of it, or what should, could, or will come next. It's not a comfortable position for me. But maybe it's a learning one. Not everything is solvable within a day, or even a week. It's O.K. not to back down and deny my feelings and myself for the sake of harmony. I don't have to have all the answers right now. And it's O.K. to feel yucky.

What do you do when you know you will have to still be around people who have spoken ill of you, and illy to you? I want to take the higher road, be the better person, and be able to forgive, no matter the offense. But I'm not there yet. I'm not.

So I guess I am grateful for time today. Time to feel what I am feeling, time to think over what has happened, and time to create some space between me and the pain. I will figure out what the next right step seems to be and I will take it. But I don't have to take it today. And for some reason, that is a relief.

Superiority Complex

To the person who shall remain anonymous:

You recently told me you believe I have a superior attitude. I have been thinking about this a lot because, of course, I don't want this to be true. However, I will concede that at times I have mocked things you've done or said that seem, for lack of a better word, "silly". And I know my family sometimes denigrates things with eye-rolling or sly humor in a way that could be considered condescending or feel snobby/holier-than-thou, because I've noticed it and been bothered by it. So yes, I am guilty of that occasionally. And when I find myself doing it, I'm embarrassed and ashamed by it and want to change it.

However, I would like to point out that it seems to me that someone who feels they have the right to "dress others down", to "teach them a lesson", to call people "stupid," "idiots," "trash" or "selfish pig", also feels they are far superior to those subject to these wonderful endeavors. How else could you feel it was O.K. for you to do these things, unless you of course considered yourself better than the people you are "rebuking"? You have long said as far as cleaning goes that no one can do it up to your standards - implying that your standards and way of doing things are superior to anyone else's. Cleaning is not the only area in which you apply the "I know better than you" principle, by far.

I find it "interesting" that someone could really believe that things are never their fault. Oh, pardon me - you did admit partial culpability in a dish that recently got broken. I find it "interesting" that you believe it's always something wrong with the other person, not you. What is it like going through life that way, believing you are always right?

So while I'm guilty of occasional eye-rolling and maybe even some snooty comments once in a while, what I really think you're reacting to is the fact that I have challenged you. And your obvious superiority. After all, in your own words "you dressed me down to teach me a lesson." The lesson I learned, however, is not that you were right and I ought to be contrite and ashamed, but rather how much I don't like how you treat others and how much I do not believe you are someone to emulate.

Are you lonely up on that throne?

The Turtle Hurl.... Er, I mean, Turtle Twirl...

Today we took the kids to Story Book Land, a delightful amusement park with rides geared toward younger children - nothing too big or scary, for the most part. The kids loved it, gleefully riding the small roller coaster, the elephant airplane ride, the little train around the park, and what quickly became their favorite, the Turtle Twirl. The Turtle Twirl is a Tilt-A-Whirl, long one of my (and my mom's!) favorite rides at an amusement park. I shriek without meaning to and laugh out loud when on the ride, which my kids love. So I went on the ride twice with Eleanor. Afterwards, I realized I'm getting old. Because my stomach can't handle the spinning rides the way it used to. I used to be able to do the Tilt-A-Whirl or Silly Silo as much as I wanted to. Not anymore. So I told the kids, "Mommy's not going to do any more spinny rides today." And we went off for lunch.

After lunch, I felt better! So when Jefferson asked me if I would go on the Turtle Twirl with him for his final ride, I said, "Sure!," since I hadn't yet been on it with him. We had a blast, spinning as fast as we could. I thought I felt fine - until we got in the car to go home. I jokingly told Brett if I were going to toss my cookies, I'd aim the other way. About 5 minutes later, I thought to myself, "I'm really not feeling well. Maybe I ought to look for a bag or something in case I really do throw up." Good thinking on my part, because right after picking up an old Ziploc, I hurled. Four times. Into the bag. It went something like this:

Anne: *hurl*
Ellie: "Mom, what are you doing?"
Anne: *hurl*
Ellie: "Mom, what doing?"
Anne: *hurl*
Ellie, louder: "Mom, what are you doing?"
Anne, quietly: "Shut up!"
Brett: "Mommy isn't feeling well."
Anne: *hurl*

I'm proud to report I got nearly everything into the bag. Except what went down my face and onto my shirt. I think it will be a while before I will go on a Tilt-A-Whirl again. Or before Brett will want to let me in the van. But at least I used a bag.

Eat Well. Move Often.

This is my new slogan. I even had a magnet made for my refrigerator, so you know it's official. Bwah ha ha. It reminds me that my goals are healthy eating and lots of movement, regardless of what happens to my body. It's a great slogan, right?

Well, yes, so where has the recent fixation on dieting come in again? I've been mulling over restarting Weight Watchers, or relogging calories on SparkPeople.com, or just "dieting" by restricting food. I'm not happy with my weight, true, but I think the truth is I'm less happy with what my body looks like now because the effects of age are showing - I'm developing jowls, I have lots of new spider veins on my legs (nice and dark blue - a color I like in general, but not on my skin), things are sagging. My bat wings are getting bigger, even though I have no intention of trying to fly. All those things have me back to thinking, "If I could just get skinny, those things would go away!" Some of them might. Most, probably not.

And I want to think I'm a "normal" woman, for whom dieting is not a massive anxiety-inducing word. I want to think I can do WW for a while and lose some weight and be fine. I keep trying to convince myself my brain is like everyone else's (oh, so many places I could go with THAT, but that's for another blog post). But it isn't. Because the thought, just the THOUGHT, of "having"to diet has sent me into a bingeing tailspin. See, I AM a compulsive overeater, and the more I try to restrict for the purposes of losing weight, the more I binge. When I let go of the idea that I MUST lose weight and focus instead on avoiding the big trigger foods and trying to do things like add in veggies, the freaky mindset dissipates and I don't overeat as much. Sounds counterintuitive, but I know it's true.

In the meantime, you'll be happy to know I've been living up to about 50% of my slogan - the "Eat...often" part. So now it's time to "Well...move"! And that includes moving this mindset off of dieting and back to healthy eating. Even if I never lose another pound and develop bat wings big enough to shield Gotham City.