Monday, September 28, 2009

3D and 4D

At church I am involved now in a 3D Group - dedicated to focusing on the 3 big D's - diet, discipline, and discipleship. I'm enjoying it as I enjoy any small group activity in which I can talk honestly with real women. I also like the 3 tiered approach, which reminds me of OA - working on our physical selves, our lives, and our connection with God.

However, in the 2nd week (last week), my rebellious demon reared its nasty head. I just got belligerent and took on the "f*ck this" attitude that seems to take over all too often. I was ready to throw in the towel - I certainly wasn't doing well with what I was eating, I wasn't trying too hard to take care of myself, and I wasn't connecting spiritually with anything. Then I went to my gym's Fitness Festival. I joined the mayor's challenge to work on fitness. And then I got my blood pressure checked - and it was back up to 135/94. THAT scared me. Seeing displays about Type 2 Diabetes scared me. And reminded me this is NOT a game and that my rebellion is working hand in hand with the Grim Reaper, apparently.

So I can't give up. I am not well. I have borderline high blood pressure. I have moderately high cholesterol. I am apparently prediabetic and probably have PCOS (no blood tests confirmed it, so I don't know for sure). I look like the contestants on the Biggest Loser (the before versions!), even if I don't want to admit it. I am killing myself with these addictions.

My new motto is: "Get clean." It's to remind myself I am an addict. I am. Getting clean means not giving up, means giving up my trigger foods (at least for today), means keeping myself and my house clean, means making peace and keeping my behavior clean with others. It reminds me of "House," my current obsession. His battles with Vicodin and my battles with food are pretty darn similar, right down to our denials and willingness to go to disgusting lengths to secure our habits.

So I'm following 3D and giving up 4D. What is 4D? The four most destructive food habits I have: Chocolate, Diet Soda, Donuts, and Fast Food. I'm not saying it's forever, but I'm going to do my best to let go of those things, as they don't serve me well.

This was much longer than I intended. I don't seem to be very good at blogging, and feel ridiculously aware that my blogs are all about me, usually me whining, and not about the big picture or the outside world. Well, so be it - maybe that's what this is meant to be in my life. I can't fix the world. But I can work on me.