Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
So, I've gotta figure out how to get my Oompfh back. This is my quest in my 38th year. I need Oompfh. I need to give my children Oompfh. I need to stop letting TV and Facebook and particularly going to bed too darn late steal my energy, make my values fade into the background, and have me leading a zombie-like existence.
Monday, February 22, 2010
But as I was falling asleep, I asked myself why it is I don't want to go to church lately. Yes, I do usually end up napping at that time, which I often need. But I know it's bigger than that. So I asked myself, "Do you still believe in God?" "YES!" came my internal answer. "Do you still believe in Jesus?" "YES!" I replied, again. "So what's the deal?"
The deal is, I *want* fervently to believe in God and Jesus and the goodness of it all (even though God doesn't promise it will all be good) - but I am terribly angry with Him. Enraged. Mad. Furious. Livid. Frustrated. Doubting. Because if God is God and God is Love and Jesus is the way, why does my son have Tourette's Syndrome and Asperger's? Why do I battle obesity and anxiety? Why do kids have cancer? Why do earthquakes take hundreds of thousands of lives? Why do people send money to other countries without sending money to help the destitute in their own? Why do I have a nice house and car and husband and life, and other people are living in slums or being beaten or dealing drugs or being subjected to who knows what? Why would God let cancer take away my pastor's wife?
Either God and Jesus are active in the world, walking among this suffering, or they're distant/remote. If they're here, I just don't get it. Yes, I know Jesus suffered for all of us, God KNOWS what suffering feels like - but I still don't get it. Do I expect Utopia? Heaven on Earth? I don't know. And if they're NOT here on Earth, if they're more like distant observers with whom we will only come face to face after we pass out of this realm, what's the point? And isn't it cruel?
And finally, yes, I certainly waffle with my old believes that God and Jesus are man-made creations to explain and assuage some of our deepest questions, fears, and needs. I know that could still be true. My gut screams at me that there is a God, that Jesus is real, which lets me know I still believe at some Christian level.
But I am just so full of rage that going to church and following the liturgy and smiling and spreading the Peace and taking Eucharist and hearing about Sunday school and exchanging pleasantries with people I don't really know just doesn't feel meaningful to me. I hope some day it will. I suppose it will start with me going back to church.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I don't know. I wish I did. I had hoped that cleaning up the food might "fix" it. As of two weeks ago, we are avoiding foods containing artificial colors, flavors, preservatives, MSG, high fructose corn syrup, and anything hydrogenated. And also trying, with less success, to reduce white flour, sugar, and natural flavors intake. The Amazing Personality Transformation has not happened, however. I still feel bitchy! I still feel tired (I've even started napping again during the day). I'm not sure I feel different at all, actually, and that's depressing. Maybe it's because I'm still consuming a heck of a lot of baked good type stuff; yes, it's homemade, but cookies, cinnamon rolls, and pumpkin bread are still loaded with sugar, even if they are made from freshly milled flour and with raw milk. I'm sure my eating is still unbalanced, heavily favoring bready stuff and not getting as much protein, fruits, or veggies as I need.
Or is that me trying to create a new Holy Grail - if I can just get THAT part of my food fixed, THEN obviously I will no longer feel like the Wicked Witch of the West half of (O.K., most of) the time! Yeah, that's the ticket!
My mom mentioned once that she's sure her own mother had dysthymia - apparently a low-level depression that also includes irritability. So I'd like to go back to the "it's in my genes" argument. But does abdicating responsibility really do me any more good than assuming too much?
I don't know. I'm just tired of being grouchy. And perhaps, yes, grouchy from being tired.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Last night Brett and I got to go out on a date - our first real date since before Christmas. Since it was Valentine's Day, I knew I could count on extra snuggles with my husband (he puts up with it on major holidays). We ate at a steakhouse and saw "Dear John." All typical date stuff, low key, but so much fun. I'm grateful to my parents for hosting the kids overnight!
Not much else today - we've been 2 weeks without artificial stuff or preservatives in our food. I'm sure my margarita last night had some, though, and I know the M&M's and cookies my daughter ate at school today for V-Day had some, too. I hope Jeff can abstain this afternoon at school. Because once you start back on those sweets, it is so hard to stop! I feel very "cravy" today, so I may have to make us something sweet here at home to counter that - it's still junky food, but at least I control what ingredients go into it.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I do feel I have an ordinary life. What's special about me that would merit not only writing a memoir, but expecting someone to read it? I don't know. Maybe exactly that - the ordinariness of me. Just a silly middle-aged blonde woman chatting about growing up in Iowa, etc., etc.
I am an Iowan. My parents divorced when I was 5. I skipped 1st grade. I am left-handed. My mom married quickly after her first divorce and divorced again just as quickly. I went to 4 schools in 2 years during my 3rd-4th grade schooling. I was mocked incessantly in junior high for hanging out with 2 older girls who were considered strange; for supposedly being lesbian; for being overweight; for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I loved German in high school and lived in Germany for 4 months post-graduation. In college my big love was someone who had a girlfriend the entire time he and I "dated". I went to grad school and apparently excelled, but never felt confident enough and quit ABD. I married a wonderfully odd man who insists he is normal, and had an intensely difficult baby who turns out to have Tourette's and Asperger's. I lost my second baby, a girl, at 21 weeks from an apparent amnio-infection; she lived 3 hours. My third baby is my spunky sunshine. But I battled bad postpartum anxiety with both of my full-term babies. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Oh, that's my life. Guess I don't need to write a book after all...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Jeff just turned 9. I can't believe I have a 9 year old. Ellie is nearly 4. Pretty soon both of my kids will be school kids. Then teenagers. Ack. I just hope I can do well by Jeff. I love him intensely, but worry about him, too. What will his life be like, dealing with Asperger's and Tourette's? Will it hold him back? Will he be depressed? One of my greatest unexpressed fears is that some day he will kill himself. I don't know why I fear that; I hope the odds aren't great. Maybe because I know how hard it can be to be a person on this planet in general, much less when you've been handed some extra challenges. I pray he rises to the task of accepting and celebrating exactly who he is and finds strength in it, but I worry because he is pessimistic and self-critical by nature, it seems.
The snow is beautiful.
We are trying to clean up our eating and remove foods with artificial colors, artificial flavors, preservatives, artificial sweeteners, high fructose corn syrup, MSG or trans fats. If we can also avoid white flour, processed foods, and white sugar, great, but those are secondary right now. And man, it is HARD!!! Day 1, which was yesterday, was fine, but today Ellie and I ended up at a birthday party and had pizza and cake. Normal party food and I'm not going to restrict my kids from having that kind of food at a party, but still - it was frustrating not to even make it two days! And I know that not only the kids but I am also going to start clamoring for M&M's or a pizza or fast food or whatever. But it's a good challenge. I want to see what kind of effect it has on all of us.