Saturday, March 17, 2012
Lost. I feel lost lately. Not really sure where my life is going. Not really sure of my position in the world.
I'm certain part of this is because of the Big Change this year. No, not menopause. I'm not quite there yet. But my kids both are in school full-time this year. I'm still at home. I want to be at home. We really need me at home, with the carpooling and vacation days and errands to run and sick children to care for and laundry to do, etc. But it means I'm at a bit of a loss. What is my value when I'm not with kids? Do I really have to spend all my time cleaning and keeping house? How much free time is it O.K. for me to have?
I settled part of that, the desire to make us a little (and I mean little) money and feel as if I'm contributing, by relaunching my eBay business, only this time I'm also selling for other people. And I have plenty to do. Enough to work at it full-time, at least right now since 5-6 people have given me lots to sell. Only I'm NOT getting to it full-time. I'm not even getting to it half-time. So now I have a second area of guilt: not only is the house not clean (because really, it's just not something I enjoy doing so I don't prioritize it), but I'm not getting my job done, either. I'm getting maybe 8 hours in a week most weeks, I'm guessing.
Where does the rest of the time go? I do still waste too much time on Facebook. I've discovered Pinterest. I'm still trying to make it to the gym (oh yeah: third point of guilt is my falling off the fitness wagon and being too lazy and unfit to jump back on). I do laundry. I run errands. I play too much Words With Friends. I hang with my husband. I putter and clean and bake. I do the newsletter and other small fundraising things for my kids' school.
I haven't gone out of town on fun day trips like I thought I would. I only occasionally go out to lunch with friends. I'm not lying around watching Oprah and eating bon bons. And yet I feel so behind in every way.
Is it just a case of poor time management? Maybe. Lack of focus? Probably. The struggle between doing what I WANT to do and doing what I NEED to do? Certainly.
How do other women do it?