Sunday, March 27, 2011

Of Mice And Me...

"A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are built for." - Anonymous

I like safety. I do. One of the highest compliments I can say about my husband is he makes me feel safe in a way that no one else does. 

The world is rather scary to me. I am anxiety-prone, so I'm sure a lot of those "eek" feelings are related to my brain chemistry. Especially when I talk to others and realize not everyone feels the way I do - that kind of general fearful feeling I carry around with me most of the time apparently is not something everyone else has. 

But when it is O.K. to play it safe and when is it not? If I prefer safety, is it all right not to venture too far out of my comfort zone, or is that a sign it's even more important for me to fly from the nest? 

Why this? Why now? Because next year my daughter will be in kindergarten. And I'm left staring at the question, "What now?" Do I go back to work? If so, what do I want to do? If not, why not?

There is a big part of me that would love to stay home - to see how it goes, to see whether or not it's beneficial to the family, to see if I can finally get those projects done I've been putting off for years. My husband is supportive of whatever choice I make. I have a choice. I'm very lucky in that. But there's a little part of me that knows that desire to stay home is related to or stems from that desire to stay safe. Life is familiar here, and not too terribly risky.

But it is a valid reason to maintain the status quo? I feel like I ought to challenge that, like I ought to push myself. But why? Because of society's expectations? Because of other people's expectations? Or because that's the best way for me to grow? 

Is it? 

Maybe the best way for me to grow is to bloom where I've been planted. Stay at home and figure out who I am now. Write. Work on self. Unless my blossoms are really ostriches sticking their heads in the sand (how's that for a bizarre mixed idiom?). 

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