Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My Kingdom For A Headache Free Day

So I've been on Metformin for about a week. Besides the usual stomach upset that brings, I've had migraines again - 3 in 3 days. This is on top of having a low-to-medium level headache most days anyway. Is it the medicine? Is it the springtime pollen? (Perhaps, the hypochondriac in me is screaming, I'm having a stroke or have a tumor!) Who knows - what I *do* know is it's making me bitchy with everyone. Having the kids home for spring break isn't helping, but still, when your head is pounding and you have fuzzy floaters in your eyes obscuring your vision, how the heck are you gonna be June Cleaver?

This morning I called the doctor - while migraine is not associated with Metformin, I'm supposed to off of it for a week and see what happens.

All these medicines. What did people do in the era before modern medicine? Ah, used herbs and other natural remedies. Or suffered. Or is modern medicine making us sicker? I don't like being on Metformin, I don't like being on Zoloft. I still feel depressed, I'm still irritable, and still fat, so is it really helping?

Maybe what I need isn't a medical cure, it's an emotional cure - more close friendships, more time spent in the company of other women, more affirmations from the people in my life that I am important to them and serve a purpose. Would outer affirmations cure an inner feeling of woe? Because if I have to wait to feel confident to gain those things, well - vicious cycle. I am more isolated and isolating myself more than I think I ever have, and don't really know why. Some of it is the current reality of life - I have young kids, I am at home, so I don't see co-workers and don't have lots of free time to just run around with peers (oh, those of you in college, enjoy those friendships while you can!). My husband is not socially-driven and would rather be at home. I would rather be with him, so I'm often at home. And don't really have the energy to go out gallavanting every night, even if I could. Long story somewhat shorter, I'm lonely. But loneliness is a feeling that has pervaded my life for as long as I can remember - I feel lonely and alone a lot. Separate. Other.

Just rambling today, wondering how other people feel - how do you deal with loneliness? Are others less lonely than I am? Does everybody feel an outsider? It's funny how most people never identify themselves as having been part of the popular crowd in high school - but obviously someone was, or there wouldn't have been such a crowd! Do we all identify ourselves as different, even when others view us as the same?

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