Thursday, September 30, 2010

Calgon, Take Me Away!

I'm kind of done being a mom right now. O.K., I know I can't really quit this job, but this is one of those days when I'd really, really like to. Or one of those weeks. Or maybe it's been the whole darn month.

Yes, some of it is related to the kids - I'm so tired of sibling squabbles and dealing with whining or yelling or fits or demands or dirty clothing dirty floors dirty dishes dirty kids. I'm tired of having a kid with different brain chemistry, so that I never know what is reasonable to expect and have to deal with the instant anger the apparently short-circuited serotonin delivery system produces in him. I'm tired of having a whiny 4 year old who just wants to watch TV and eat junk food and never do anything herself. Most of all, I'm tired of being a whiny, yelling, fit-throwing mom.

I'm envious lately - really envious - of the people who own their time. O.K., maybe nobody truly owns their time unless they're rich like Bill Gates - most of us have to work (and no snide comments about me not making any money since I'm an at-home mom - I know very well that none of my contributions are financial, and I'm feeling that pain acutely). But still, to be able to go read a book, go to a movie, go to a park, travel, go get a haircut, just because I wanted to?

I do love my kids. I really do. But the day-to-day drudgery of raising them is wearing me down, especially since I don't feel like I'm doing a good job lately. I just can't get a handle on it. It seems to come more easily and naturally to others. It seems as if their kids are better behaved. Maybe it's not true, but man, I just want to escape. And that makes me feel guilty.

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