Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I feel as if I am constantly irritable. This bothers me. I do not want to be constantly irritable. I'd much rather be calm, happy, relaxed, breezy, able to go with the flow, unconcerned, not worried, and a joy to be around. Instead, I'm irritable and cranky for what feels like most of my days. Is it because of my life stage? Being a stay-at-home mom means I don't own my time and am at other people's beck and call, or at least doing things for other people, much of the time. Is it because I'm tired? Lord knows I don't go to bed early enough - I can't seem to relinquish that little bit of "me" time at the end of the day, and while I know it would be great to be zonked out by 10:00 p.m., I'm usually putting the book down and turning off the lights closer to 11:00. So I suppose chronic sleep deprivation could play a role. Is it my personality? Am I so innately selfish and whiny that not being able to do what I want to do just because I want to do it leaves me perpetually a bitch? My mom always told me I should have 0 or 1 kids; she meant it lovingly, I guess, and recently said it was because of what I've just mentioned - not owning my time. So is it me? Or is it biochemical, like the anxiety I struggled with post-partum (and which still occasionally gets me now)? Do I just not have enough serotonin, dopamine, and beta-endorphin floating around up there to keep me feeling groovy?

I don't know. I wish I did. I had hoped that cleaning up the food might "fix" it. As of two weeks ago, we are avoiding foods containing artificial colors, flavors, preservatives, MSG, high fructose corn syrup, and anything hydrogenated. And also trying, with less success, to reduce white flour, sugar, and natural flavors intake. The Amazing Personality Transformation has not happened, however. I still feel bitchy! I still feel tired (I've even started napping again during the day). I'm not sure I feel different at all, actually, and that's depressing. Maybe it's because I'm still consuming a heck of a lot of baked good type stuff; yes, it's homemade, but cookies, cinnamon rolls, and pumpkin bread are still loaded with sugar, even if they are made from freshly milled flour and with raw milk. I'm sure my eating is still unbalanced, heavily favoring bready stuff and not getting as much protein, fruits, or veggies as I need.

Or is that me trying to create a new Holy Grail - if I can just get THAT part of my food fixed, THEN obviously I will no longer feel like the Wicked Witch of the West half of (O.K., most of) the time! Yeah, that's the ticket!

My mom mentioned once that she's sure her own mother had dysthymia - apparently a low-level depression that also includes irritability. So I'd like to go back to the "it's in my genes" argument. But does abdicating responsibility really do me any more good than assuming too much?

I don't know. I'm just tired of being grouchy. And perhaps, yes, grouchy from being tired.

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